Our children are an integral part of our lives and keeping them safe and well adjusted is what parenting is all about. Parenting together after divorce presents new challenges to an already difficult process, but navigating through a roller coaster of painful emotions to maintain a united front is an essential part of the job. The bottom line is, children feel healthiest when their parents get along.
Breaking the News
Depending on age, discuss the process openly in your family. If possible, include both parents in the discussion. Emphasize that while the family is changing, it is not ending. Divorce means that a marriage is over, it does not mean that a parent’s relationship to his or her child is over. Your children should feel secure in that both their parents love them and neither parent will leave their lives. Make sure they understand that the divorce is not their fault, that there is nothing that they could or should do that would change things. Remember to answer their questions with as much care and honesty as possible. They will probably have quite a few questions, and answering them, repeatedly if necessary, will help them regain the sense of security that they’ve lost.
Dealing With Your Own Hurt
Painful feelings are a natural part of the divorce process. When co-parenting, however, those emotions must take a back seat. Remember to make the children’s happiness and a feeling of security your shared priority. When feelings of pain and anger arise, take them into a separate space. Never let those leak out in front of your children. Find a therapist or a close friend to lean on instead. Be aware of your body language as well. Make a conscious effort take deep breaths and relax your shoulders. If you’re feeling momentarily tense, smile. It’s remarkable how some emotions can work from the outside-in.
Keeping the Kids Out of It
Children should not be the messengers or the go-betweens. When they are used as messengers, it puts them in the middle of your conflict and in an uncomfortable position. During a court process, you should be trying to protect your children from such a state. As difficult as it may be, when a problem arises, call, email or speak face to face with your ex. If the court action left a sour taste, remember that communication improves when following a few simple rules: use a cordial or businesslike tone, place your children at the center of the conversation (this is not about personal feelings, it is about doing your best together for your children). Also listen, really listen and make requests – not demands as that can make all the difference in the lines of communication. Try to commit to meeting or speaking on a regular basis. Tensions and hurt feelings diminish over time. Practice makes perfect in all aspects of life including communicating with an ex.
Rules were rules when you all lived in one house, that should not change now that you live in two. This is where solid, cordial communication with you ex can really ensure that your children adjust to a trying time in their lives. Make sure that you agree upon a set of rules; then apply them consistently. Going from one house to the other should not make it easier for kids to go around the normal rules of conduct, nor is it good for them to do so. Consistency helps them to know that their parents are still working together. Consistency provides them a sense of normalcy. Consistency makes them feel secure. And, ultimately, making a safe, secure, healthy environment for your children is the most important goal.